Leadership as a Matriarch
Lessons From My Foremothers

Being a matriarch has the same challenges of loneliness I see many leaders face. Share on X

 

For me, being a matriarch is a leadership role that has deep meaning and possibility. Being a matriarch has the same challenges of loneliness I see many leaders face. It is lonely sometimes to see the big picture. I know I have to find my own way to be the matriarch in my own family of three grown children. I think I am a little like Ganie, a little like Sutter, and a little like Sunny. I am the planner of gatherings, the arbiter of relationships, and the patron of the arts in the way that I support my children with music lessons, asking them to play for us at gatherings, and gift them instruments that are both beautiful and challenging.  I find myself the keeper of joy in the way that I plan really exciting vacations. This year we will be hopping in a mini-van for a classic family road trip to the Grand Canyon and then on to Palm Springs for New Year’s. I love to organize and plan adventures that bring us together. 

My children are now all adults, and I once thought my motherhood role would end as they moved into adulthood. But that hasn’t been the case. They don’t need me the way they used to, and while some of the day-to-day parenting is wrapping up, my role as matriarch is ramping up. 

A parent’s job is to look at the best interests of the child. The matriarch’s is to look at the family as a whole. I no longer just consider our immediate family but the relationships with the larger family–my aunt, cousins, brother, nephew, in-laws and how we can maintain the same sense of roots that my foremothers created for me.

You see, being a matriarch is a leadership role. It is considering the best interests of the family with a long timeline in mind. What kind of shape will family finances be in after I am gone? How will the relationships between my children remain loving and solid over time? In this leadership framing, my best interests fade away, and the best interests of the whole become paramount.

Now, I think of how harmony will exist during the holidays instead of what will only make me happy. I think of how we can meet the most needs in our gatherings and activities rather than doing what I want. I think of how we can make collaborative decisions so we have the most buy-in for our gatherings and events.

This year, when I think of the holidays I am seeking joy for us all. I hope you experience this joy as well in your own families. Let’s face it, the holidays aren’t easy for a lot of people. But perhaps there are small ways we can make it easier, like focussing on spending special together instead of on elaborate presents, on leaving the the kitchen martyrdom of the previous generations behind and making meal prep and clean up a family affair? I am thinking of a classic chore chart this year!

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